21 December 2014

Faux News: Disney Pulls “Into The Woods” From Theaters In Response To Wolf Calls

The following is a work of satire. Anyone who believes any of this post should join Fox News, where they’ll feel right at home.

Disney Corporation has canceled all screenings of the fairy tale movie Into The Woods in the wake of threats from an organization calling itself Wolves Incensed by Lupine Defamation (WILD).

WILD repeatedly called Disney’s phones last week, threatening to “huff and puff and blow your house down” if the movie is shown. “Your depiction of wolves as child predators is reprehensible and repulsive — grrrrr,” said one message, alluding to a scene in which The Wolf (played by Johnny Depp) preys on Little Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford). “We wolves are actually the threatened species here — bark, growl. We demand that you take all copies of ‘Into The Woods’ and shred them — HOWWWLLL!!!”

A Disney spokesperson denied that the studio was caving into threats, and claims that they’re simply erring on the side of safety. “We’re taking all necessary precautions, including replacing all company buildings made of straw with buildings made of brick to protect the pigs inside. Well, metaphorically speaking, of course.”

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Freddy is the Founder & Creative Strategist of Atomic Tango. He also teaches at the University of Southern California (go Trojans!), shoots pool somewhat adequately, and herds cats. Freddy received his BA from Harvard and his MBA from USC.

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