by Freddy Tran Nager, Founder of Atomic Tango + Guy Who’s Happy He’s Not On The Job Market…
I keep my eyes open for job openings that I can pass on to my students, but too often I encounter ads that get my eyes rolling. The job requirements are so excessive and irrational, not even a combo of Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man In The World could fulfill them.
So I’ve started a new feature on my blog called “Stupid Job Ad.” For now, I’ve decided to change the names of the companies to protect the poor HR drones who likely had to take dictation from a dipstick senior manager or a committee of dipstick senior managers.
Today’s Stupid Job Ad comes from a company that I’ve renamed Total Buffoonery Inc. My comments appear in bold. The ad begins with this:
Social Media Manager
Develop and manage social media campaigns on Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Pinterest, Instagram and other social platforms (as necessary) for Total Buffoonery Inc. in downtown Los Angeles.
Cool. Tell me more…
Total Buffoonery Inc. houses the gift and home furnishing wholesale industry; under new ownership, we are undergoing a major rebranding and will be reaching out to and growing new audiences. The Social Media Manager will be a key member of our team, responsible for strategically developing our digital community and managing the online reputation of the new Total Buffoonery Inc.
Absolutely. The high level of responsibility is certainly appealing.
You will also be front of house for the entire building, working from the lobby, helping guests use our online registration kiosk as necessary, and interacting with all visitors to the building.
Uh, wait, you want your social media manager to be the receptionist, too? And they don’t get an office?
We seek an enthusiastic, self-motivated team member with exceptional communication skills to be our “eyes and ears,” and join our hard-working, entrepreneurial team. Responsibilities include:
- Create engaging and interactive content
- Assist in tracking effectiveness of marketing campaigns and gathering data for weekly marketing reports
- Develop and execute an overarching digital media strategy that can advance the new brand while servicing the social media needs of the Gift and Home, Conferences & Events, Creative Office, and Programming divisions.
- Support custom / ad hoc external and internal special projects
- Create, seasonal and ad-hoc global digital, social media and mobile strategies
- Optimize current and future strategies based on analysis of weekly/monthly/ quarterly digital and social data.
- Ongoing research, evaluation and knowledge of emerging social technologies, properties, and platforms
- Design, develop, and deliver marketing collateral & PR
The first seven bullet points make perfect sense. But developing collateral and PR — PR?! — are completely different skillsets. Someone with a marketing degree could possibly do all the above, but good public relations requires a significant investment of time into building media relationships. Then again, I suppose they could do that between helping guests use the online registration kiosk.
The ideal candidate will have digital media planning & buying experience,
Media buying is a profession unto itself, requiring strong quantitative, strategic, and negotiation skills. But alright.
exceptional interpersonal, analytical, and writing skills, with the ability to make clear, concise, and visually compelling presentations.
So now your media buyer/receptionist must also have EXCEPTIONAL analytical AND writing skills — and be a killer presenter on top of all that. Where does the social media part come in?
Must have a strong understanding of the digital space and its marketing potential.
Ah, there it is!
Should have an interest in design, merchandising, tech, arts programming, conferences, and events.
Is that all? That shouldn’t be hard finding a receptionist/media-buyer/PR person interested in design, tech, and conferences. I predict a lot of lying in the forthcoming job interview.
Must be a highly motivated, friendly, enthusiastic, detail-oriented individual who lives and breathes digital media. Understands that social media doesn’t completely end on weekends and holidays and is comfortable making sure your schedule accommodates the demands of the highly connected world we live in.
So now you want this person to work on holidays and weekends, too. Guess how long that “highly motivated, friendly, enthusiastic” vibe will last?
- Bachelors degree (preferably in English, Marketing, Business, Computer Science or a related field.)
How about Acting? Because whoever you hire will have to pretend to fit all the parts you want them to play.
- Intelligent, affable, entrepreneurial type with strong interpersonal skills & work ethic, comfortable in a start-up environment.
Start-up environment = no in-house support or budget to hire help.
- Excellent writing, editing and visual communication skills.
‘Cause the world is filled with people who EXCEL in BOTH writing and design. I hear my writer and designer colleagues laughing.
- 1-2 years of digital, social and mobile strategy for major brand(s), preferably at an agency or at a brand.
Mobile? You want mobile experience, too?
- A proven track record of successfully strategized and executed digital, social and mobile projects that drive business results through innovation.
So on top of being an analyst, a receptionist, a writer, a designer, a presenter, and a strategist, you expect this person to be an innovator who has made money for major brands. News for you: that person just got $10 million from a VC to start their own company.
- Considered a thought leader by the industry, past companies/clients, and/or peers.
An industry thought leader? You mean someone who speaks at conferences and has a hit blog and Twitter account after just 1-2 years of experience? Update my comment above: that person just got $100 million from a VC to start their own company.
- Experience with social analytics tools like Radian6, Facebook Insights, Kred to feed and analyze data against marketing and business objectives.
Sure, why not throw in data analysis. Because most creative, strategic thought leaders who make good presenters also excel at analyzing data while sitting at a reception desk and managing multiple social media platforms including Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and others as necessary. You weren’t kidding when you said they’d have to work holidays and weekends.
- High competency level in MS Office products; demonstrated advanced skills in Photoshop, Illustrator, WordPress and, HTML.
And you want them to be an illustrator and programmer with ADVANCED skills, too. You left out, “Ability to whip up a mean crème brulee.”
- Ability to lead projects independently from start to finish, working with internal and external teams to make decisions and maintain forward momentum
Be independent! And a leader! And a team player!
- In-depth understanding of digital advertising landscape from either media planning or sales planner perspective
Media planning and sales planning are completely different skills. But I suppose your new hire can develop those skills when not performing as an independent team player working the lobby and being a thought leader on holidays.
- Excellent time management / project management skills, with ability to manage detail work and communicate project status effectively to all levels
Hmm, you want detailed project management while reporting to multiple layers of bureaucracy? Because that’s what innovative thought leaders who create engaging, interactive content really love to do, right?
This is a full-time position with a 3-month trial period.
So in just 90 days, after demonstrating that no human being can possibly excel at all the above, you’ll can their ass without any severance pay. Nice!
Compensation depends on experience.
The job warrants at least $200,000/year, but given that you’re asking for only 1-2 years experience, I’m guessing you budgeted sub-$50,000. After all, it’s only social media.
If you would like to join our team please send your resume and cover letter in one document with salary history, three writing samples, a sample analytical presentation, and links to your own digital media platforms to email address at Total Buffoonery Inc with Social Media Manager in the subject.
After asking for Superman/Wonder Woman, you want to see a salary history based on 1-2 years experience. Can you say “low ball offer”?
In all honesty, this is the criteria for hiring an agency, not a human being. Is that renaissance person out there? Possibly – I’ve had amazing students who might fit this bill… if they decided to forgo sleep and any possibility of having a personal life. Even then, I’d recommend that they create their own business plan and launch their own start-up rather than work for these dipsticks.
In all probability, Total Buffoonery Inc will hire a jack-of-all-trades/master-of-none who gives good interview, then proceeds to falter at one or more expectations. (Perhaps after they blow up at some visitor in the lobby who asks for directions to the Staples Center while they’re in the middle of designing a presentation to senior management and responding to Facebook comments and creating an ad hoc strategic plan for media buying on mobile platforms in the art conference industry.)
If these are the high-skills/high-paying jobs that technology is bringing us, becoming a professional poker player suddenly seems far more realistic.